If you are trying to get over a relationship that has ended, or just feeling down, you might need to hear some unconventional advice: be selfish.
That’s right. Selfishness. This trait that we have all been told from an early age to avoid, lest we repel other people, could actually help us in the long run. In fact, selfishness can have many positive aspects to it that make people more attracted to you.
That’s according to Jonathon Aslay, a personal development coach and dating expert.
Jonathon is a coach focusing on the Mid-Life years, and he has noticed an alarming lack of self-love in his clients. Through his work, he realized that one trait that can really help people trying to date, is actually being selfish.
What does selfish mean here?
According to Jonathon, selfishness is really just the practice of self love. Yes, that does mean that you put yourself first sometimes. But, fostering a relationship with yourself is deeply important.
It’s important to note that here ‘selfishness’ does not mean ruthlessly choosing yourself always or putting other people first. It mostly just means growing a loving relationship with yourself by knowing what you want and choosing to honor that.
Why is this so hard for me to do?
Well, gender can play a big role here. Women are encouraged from an early age to care and sacrifice for others. When they don’t do this, they can be labeled as ‘selfish’ and have a hard time shirking that. According to Psychology Today, this can have good and bad consequences:
“Certainly, adhering to a caring ethos has its benefits both for society and for the women who live unselfishly…On the other hand, it is important to note that, psychologically, a person’s aversion to appearing or feeling selfish can be exploited by others for their own (selfish) ends.”
Jonathon says that choosing a little selfishness will actually make you more attractive to other people.
Really, by being selfish, you are just choosing to nurture your self love and relationship with yourself. When you do this and your love for yourself grows, you seem happier and give off warm, positive, self-assured energy. Who doesn’t want to be around that?
The best time to learn how to be selfish is when you are single.
Jonathon believes one of the best times for people to begin to grow this aspect of themselves is at the end of a relationship. When they are feeling especially raw and vulnerable, there’s a huge opportunity to get to know themselves more. He says:
“One of the blessings of the ending of a relationship is that you get an opportunity to do a deep dive into self-love and then you become a magnetic attractor to everyone else around you.”
It’s a practice, meaning it will take some time.
This is not easy. And it’s not meant to be! Doing this work will take some time, especially because so many women are not used to prioritizing themselves and their needs. Some ways to nurture you self love are things like exercising, meditating, or spending time with friends and family.
The biggest way you should work on your self love is through self-reflection. This is tough, and it might involve going to therapy or talking to a religious leader you respect. But, knowing yourself deeply and intimately, especially in difficult times, will help you feel stronger and happier in the long run. This is a habit to train yourself into, but once you do it, it pays off.
Being selfish and loving yourself teaches you how to love other people better.
When you spend time focusing on making yourself happy without needing anyone else, you become truly carefree and more attractive to other people. Part of developing this strong love within yourself means knowing and accepting all your flaws and imperfections–we all have them. But, when you can accept yourself for who you are, it becomes much easier to accept others for who they are too.
Being able to accept your flaws and other peoples flaws is one of the most attractive traits out there. Nobody wants to be around someone who constantly nitpicks or tries to change them. The only way to stop being unhappy with other peoples imperfections is to become happy with your imperfections, and being selfish will help you out with that.
Watch the video below to learn more about why selfish women are sexy!
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